Unfair on husband? Post Reply

[Duplo]

My husband just doesn’t seem that caring towards me. I have noticed this over a number of years. Never really celebrates Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, birthday is whatever I choose (and sometimes buy). I buy my birthday cake. We rarely go out. Only if I arrange it. He tells me that this is his way. And to be fair, if I didn’t buy presents for his family, they wouldn’t get anything and we would not see his friends if I did not arrange. But I do feel rather unloved and unvalued most of the time. And I feel like he is really frugal both with cash and non cash and it feels like I live on the breadline emotionally and financially even though there is no need for either. He would of course say that I bemchmark our lifestyle against others in this area and I am hard to live with this and this is why he behaves as he does.

Anyway. His Dad is really ill. I have been trying to help his family, talk to his Mum a lot and have been encouraging him to go and spend time with them. We usually only see them when I arrange it with his Mum. We stayed at half term and I have arranged for us to stay at Easter. He phoned his mum to suggest he visit after I suggested it. They decided he would go up for 4 days over Mother’s Day weekend and on mother’s day they would go out with her, his gran, brothers etc. Two things have upset me
1. He never told me about this and so I have the kids for four days without being asked and I only know because over heard a phone call
2. They picked Mother’s Day because his mum wants to organise a lunch. But what about me and celebrating with me and my kids?

I asked him if he was going to tell me about it as it meant that I would have the kids for 4 days (I work full time and we share drop offs and care). I said I would obviously have the kids but he needed to tell me the dates. He called me a cow and various other things and started smashing the house up. Clearly he is really upset about his Dad, but he also seems to think I have no feelings.

Of course I will have the kids and of course it is fine for him to go. His Dad is ill. I am ridiculously sad about this too and have been encouraging him to support his mum more. But at the same time, I am jealous that he is doing somethIng with his Mum on mother’s day with no thought for me and I won’t even get a card. And it seems like he is considerIng his mum and wider family in a way he never considers me and our kids. And I know I told him to be more supportive of his mum and so this is actually what I want.... just with some regard to our family too and maybe not on mother’s day.

Am I right to feel upset about his behaviour towards me and to feel jealous? Or am I just the heartless cow that he thinks I am?

Posting under a different name.

[townieatheart]

I think you are within your rights to feel upset, and even jealous. I would too. However I think the bigger picture is that he is doing the right thing by his mother (even if it feels the wrong thing by you) and so you need to let it go. It is an argument that no one will win and will just cause more friction. But mother’s day isn’t ‘spouse day’ and I think it’s important for your children to acknowledge it in some small way (otherwise they may grow up like him!). Could you suggest to him that even though he’s not there he plans a card with the children, and maybe you head out for a cheap and cheerful lunch with them so they can see you have ‘time off’.
Good luck with it all.

[muddyboots]

I can totally understand why you are upset and you are also very accommodating and forgiving towards him to compensate for him being an arse towards you.
If you had said that he's otherwise a kind caring husband this outburst and thoughtless treatment towards you would be explained by the stress of an ill parent etc.
In my books, pissed off or not, you tell your partner of you plan to leave for several days and dump the other half with the kids. That's basic minimum required communication and a logistical need.
The fact he didn't even bother informing you say a lot .

Excluding you from Mother's Day is also hurtful.
Of course it's not spouse day as previous poster says, BUT when kids are small it should be the father initiating and celebrating you with the kids. When they are bigger they can take more of an active part and treat you themselves.
And he should absolutely not exclude you and leave you alone on Mother's Day !
Where do his parents live?
Is it not feasible for you to come up for the day or weekend to join them all and be included?
He doesn't seem very receptive towards you, but have you tried to talk to him about how you feel? About all of this, not just this issue.
As for doing all things for him, I would stop being his social secretary. In fact, stop everything you do for him!!
Give him the same treatment and see if he notices. Then he will have a reference point of how it feels to be ignored.

[Beachbum]

To be honest he sounds very emotionally abusive. I don't think that making plans with his mother is the problem; the problem is that he didn't talk to you about it until everything was done. Worse, he attacks you when you come to him to say you are hurt. I can certainly see why you don't feel valued. Years of him not listening to you about how you would like birthdays and valentines days handled with no other explanation than "this is who I am" must be so frustrating since it is clearly not who you "are". A relationship is suppose to have give on both sides, not just one. II wish you the best of luck.

[Lovingsleep]

I’m sorry to hear that. TBH I’m not a big ‘special day’ person myself, so we don’t tend to do much if anything on Valentines, Mother’s Day or my birthday but it doesn’t really bother me. However I was concerned when you mentioned him smashing up the house, it sounds really intimidating and aggressive. Also I would be furious if my partner planned a weekend away without checking it with me, leaving me with the kids. Perhaps it was an oversight and he was about to tell you but that kind of thing really annoys me.

Different people show love in different ways, for some presents and cards are important, for others it’s money, quality time, sex etc. Maybe you have different ways of showing affection?

However doesn’t sound like he is meeting your emotional needs. It might be worth considering couple therapy to see if you can understand each other better.

[Sheds]

Dear Duplo

Many of the things you write have similarities to experiences that I have had in the past. I have learnt many things in the process.

The part that jumps out at me is this:

'But I do feel rather unloved and unvalued most of the time'.

That is something that can easily change and it doesn't require anybody else doing anything differently for which you could be waiting a life-time!

I am happy to have a chat if you like.

Kindest regards.

[gymgoer]

I don’t have much to add from what was written except to say my X husband ( notice the X) was the total opposite . He bought me expensive presents , wined and dined me , brought flowers just because ..... whilst it turned out he was a liar cheat , forged my name on a mortgage and pawned my jewelry . When I found out he walked out of a 25 year old marriage and our child and wanted no contact . So am trying to say those gestures can be meaningless.
Having said that it doesn’t sound like he communicates and smashing the house up is just not acceptable because it sounds like he could become violent to you . Can you suggest counselling?
As an addendum I am now with a partner who also doesn’t buy presents or given to gestures but it’s a very loving and trusting relationship . But we communicate and talk about everything . To me after everything I have been through that means everything . Good luck

[Daffodil79]

You sound like you have been having a tough time for far too long, and it can’t be that great for the kids to hear / see.
Personally I would write him a letter over a few days / wk and arrange a few date nights / days out / evenings in and if after that he still doesn’t want to make an effort - find someone who will make you happy - life is too short. Relationships are hard work but you have to want it to make it work (believe me - I’ve had a tricky few years )
I hope he can see what he has before it’s too late x

[helliebee]

Please read 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew G. Marshall. It's very helpful and insightful and can help make a dramatic difference in a marriage in only a few days and when you thought all was lost. Give it a try - much cheaper than marriage counselling although you can still go down that route afterwards if you want to.

[Sheds]

I went down the Andrew Marshall route (including sessions with him and his meet-up groups) and would say NO! Not from my own experiences.

All those 'help' books out there are looking in the wrong direction.

'The Relationship Handbook' by Dr George Pransky will be far more beneficial if you are looking for a book.

Whatever your husband is doing/thinking at any moment has NOTHING to do with you. It can only come from his own thinking about his own thoughts swirling around in his head, the same as for you, me and every other person on this planet. He is caught up in a bunch of negative thinking that he is taking as serious and true and then living as if they are. They are not true. So don't jump in the rabbit hole with him as that will reinforce him believing his thoughts to be true.

No-one and no-thing can ever do anything to us. Ever.

Once you can see this, it will all look very different. Your whole experience will be different.

Check it out for yourself. Your moods are fluctuating all day long. If you spill your coffee when you are having some low level thinking it can be catastrophic, if you spill it in the middle of a fun party you simply mop it up.

It works the same way all the time, whatever it is.

Happy to talk.