Advice to stop yelling at my kids Post Reply

[Confused31]

Please can anyone offer any strategies that have helped them to reduce yelling at their children?

After a pretty tough couple of years I seem to have sunk to shouting when my children are hard work. I am very ashamed of myself and want to break the cycle.

I grew up in a very shouty household and don't want the same for my three.

Please help!

[Beachbum]

It can be so hard! I know that we really worry about yelling now days but I would say that is only a truly bad thing if you feel it is damaging your children in some way.

I try not to yell, I am always most successful when I do not get emotional about what they have done. I try to remember that they, mostly, misbehave because they are learning and don't fully understand what they are doing rather than trying to be difficult.

Also, I try to focus on what I want from them. I find I yell most often because they are delaying doing what has to be done. If I put incentives with time limits before we even start then I can usually get things done without too much trouble.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, the fact that you are posting this just shows you care.

[mummyof1]

I would really recommend The Parent Practice they have day and evening group workshops, offer 1 ;1 support and recently launched an online course offer. They are close by on Thurleigh Road, and also run workshops in Barnes, Wimbledon and Chelsea. I have been on a number of courses because of course as our children get older there are different challenges. http://www.theparentpractice.com/progra ... ur-courses

[boysmumy]

I had the same issue this year.
I had my 3rd baby, was really exhausted and started to yell at my other 2 children to get good behaviour.
It didn't work.
After a few months, I realised that all the yelling was not getting me the good behaviour I was looking for and so I change tactics.
I started from scratch. Reward instead of reprimand.
With my 4 years old, I used a star chart and rewarded him with play date. When he was really naughty (hitting, kicking...) I would keep him at home instead of going to the park, playground. I followed through with the threats and like this the next time he knew I meant it.
With my 2 years old, it's harder as I often forget he is only 2 and always expect better behaviour of him... so I try to remember that he is only 2 and has 2 siblings and he isn't getting the same attention. A lot of reward and some time out works with him, distraction is the best way. But I have to adapt tactics a lot to make sure he doesn't start playing up with me.
Hope this helps.
It is hard to change but after a few weeks you will feel better.

[Confused31]

Thank you for your responses. It makes me feel better knowing that I am not alone going through these thoughts!

I feel that I can cope better now having admitted my shame, helping my resolve to remind myself that they are not (yet) doing things to wind me up.

I think I need a star chart too to reward myself for not yelling!

X

[Tpa]

Yes! Read Attachment Play by Aletha Soltis. She may have better books for your children's age groups, but look her up online. She also offers Skype consultations. She is the only person to give practical tips about what you CAN do, instead of what you should or shouldn't do. Changed my relationship with my toddler.
Feel free to PM if you have any questions.

[Flowermummy]

I think most stressed-out mums do this at some point, but it's important to keep it under control.
I know 2 mums with older children (9 and 14) for whom it has spiralled out of control and it is awful! It undermines the children's confidence and in one of the cases the child is seeing a counsellor and his father is considering weekly boarding...

[nannyalison]

Age-dependent, it might be a nice idea to sit down with your children and explain that you have realised your negative behaviour. Talk with them about what is expected from each of you, and how you can all work on it together.
Set aside time each day for all of you to talk about how your day has been, and what would have made it even happier.

I think the first positive step has been admitting it to yourself, so well done.

[uptheoctave]

Ah, I think if we stop yelling completely then we'll all transcend so don't be too hard on yourself. However, we can always improve our parenting and this link is to a great site called Aha! Parenting. It's run by a Dr Laura Markham and she offers some great tips, advice and strategies for parents in all sorts of situations. It may resonate with you, it may not, but the fact that you're already searching for ways to curb the shouting is great. Good luck and you're most definitely not alone.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/How_To ... ng_at_kids

[Familycompleted]

You're so not alone!!! I just bought "calm parents happy kids" as I was not only ashamed of my constant yelling but even worse, the feeling that I am starting to dislike my son most of the time.... Such a horrid feeling makes me feel like a failed mother . Hopefully I will be able to change and raise kids more constructively. I had suboptimal relationships with my parents and as such really don't feel close to them now. I really don't want to recreate it with my kids....

[2boysmum]

I read a brilliant quote once which was
"Trying to get your children to do something by shouting is like trying to drive a car by beeping the horn"

On a serious note, go easy on yourself. Those days are hard. And figure out why you're shouting. If it's because you're overwhelmed, exhausted and not enough help then if there is anything you can do to address that. One thing I wish I had done when my kids were little was to open up and just ask for help rather that try to be seen to be coping.

But also its normal. And some kids are just hard.

And as one poster says, if you're shouting and it's not their fault, apologise and explain. They will learn so much from you xx

[southoftheriver]

there is some helpful advice in this short video

https://vimeo.com/97370236

[sparkletiger]

Great that you recognise this and want to make changes. I hear you and yell more than is helpful, but also I'm aware of it and do what I can to be ablate be the adult and model how to respond appropriately.

Firstly it is a good idea to apologise to your children, explaining that you yelled and realise it is not the best way to react. I often say (briefly) how I've reflected on it and thought of other ways I could have reacted and also I ask them for their thoughts on what else I could have done. It;s great when they come up with suggestions and it involved them in resolving issues and builds their confidence and skills.

I also try as much as I can to take care of myself - eating/drinking, time alone, etc, so that I am less likely to react unhelpfully.

Also I would second Ahaparenting. Sign up to her emails as pretty much every single one is very helpful. And you can just google ahaparenting and whatever the issue is. It is easy to digest and gives excellent advice. Also second the attachment play stuff - Marion Rose runs e-learning workshops, where you can join a Facebook group for support and ideas. She is based in Australia and is an Aware Parenting practitioner.

And yes, you are so not alone. I strive every day to parent respectfully and with love and empathy. I have 2 amazing girls age 6 and 9 but boy do my buttons get pushed. A lot. I get it wrong more than I'd like, but it is constant learning. Well done you for deciding to change this.

[Sheds]

Hi Confused31

If you can see that your shouting has nothing to do with a child/spouse/friend/person in the street/etc and it is just you experiencing a built up feeling of overwhelm in that moment you will feel it losing it's power and the moment will pass quicker.

If you think that it has something to do with another person and whatever they are doing doesn't change, then you can justify it and continue shouting even though you know that it doesn't work.

If you shout when you think your children are hard work, what do you do when you are not thinking that your children are hard work? Whatever that is, do more of that!

[Max2012]

I bought the 'Discipline Without Damage' book from a recommendation from a similar post on here a few months ago. Even if you don't buy into everything she says, I found it really helped just change my mindset and see things more from the little ones' point of view and therefore deal with things differently. The bit about 'hulking up' resonated (and is also slightly heart breaking..!) I can also see that my shouting is more to do with me than the children, for instance there is more of it on a Monday after a tiring weekend than when I'm well rested etc..