Husband doesn't want me to drink

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littlebabysmummy
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Husband doesn't want me to drink

Postby littlebabysmummy » Wed Jun 14, 2017 9:10 pm

My husband and I met over 10 years ago and he made it very clear at the time he didn't like alcohol (religious reasons) and that his wife wouldn't be someone who drinks. Which I accepted at the time as I was in the process of reducing my drinking and as I really liked him I was ready to give it all up.
Fast forward 10 years of no alcohol I now want to drink again - I've tried speaking to him about it but he says he doesn't want me drinking. I recently had a glass of wine at a work day and I really enjoyed it. He doesn't know and I don't know what to do. Any advice ?

tooposhtopush
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Re: Husband doesn't want me to drink

Postby tooposhtopush » Wed Jun 14, 2017 10:14 pm

This is a very tricky problem.

Both sides will have very strong views and I can see the argument from both sides.

He will feel that this was something that was made clear at the outset and that you're looking to change the basis of the marriage.

You'll feel, I guess, that you can do what you want.

If he is very set in his ways then I think you need to decide how hard you want to push this. Is he very religious? Or is he "cherrypicking" elements he feels strongly about? My gut feeling is that if you can't talk him around in a "grown up" manner and you feel that you want to go down this route then it's a counselling issue - I honestly believe you'll need help to get around this issue.

Good luck!

petal
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Re: Husband doesn't want me to drink

Postby petal » Wed Jun 14, 2017 10:47 pm

News alert! Your husband doesn't own you and you are free to do as you wish.

The only aspect I can understand the issue is that he clearly had strong feelings about it and set out his "pre-requisite " before marriage. This STILL doesn't take away your free choice to change mind.
For arguments sake I would be very disapproving if my husband suddenly became a chain smoker as we are both non smokers and both dislike smoking.

I suppose he will have to accept you as you are !
I smell controlling behaviour ...

misstemple
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Re: Husband doesn't want me to drink

Postby misstemple » Thu Jun 15, 2017 10:15 am

When my husband & I met we were both heavy smokers. After years of thinking about it, I cut down, I quit, he quit...sort of! I don't love it that he still smokes occasionally but I know he really enjoys it, and that's enough for me. I've adopted a vegan diet which can be really hard to work around, but bless him, he supports me.

My point here, briefly, is that life changes!

There is no way my husband is the same man I married, and I am miles away from who I was 5 years ago too. I can't imagine how you could both still be tied to who you were 10 years ago. Love runs deep, and your married life is akin to a river, it changes every day as it flows, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly...

That said, I would be disappointed if my husband suddenly started going out with the boys every week or developed a taste for expensive cars... but it might happen and I would stand by what makes him happy.

I agree with the other poster, you need to be able to have the conversation. Your body is your own, after all.

Flowermummy
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Re: Husband doesn't want me to drink

Postby Flowermummy » Thu Jun 15, 2017 10:58 am

This is much trickier than the smoking or expensive cars examples...
When you are in a multicultural marriage (it sounds like you are) there are some highly emotive issues around which you need to tread carefully (religion of the children, alcohol, etc ).
My thoughts:
- you need to decide how hard you want to push this. Is this really important to you now, or is it just a "nice to have"? For you, is this worth potentially upsetting your relationship with your husband (I am assuming that no alcohol is very important to him and also that your relationship is otherwise great)
- You need to be able to have a grown-up conversation with him about this, whether on your own or through counselling. Try and understand why it is so important to him. Is it because he doesn't want the children to be brought up seeing their mum drinking alcohol? In which case you could maybe agree that you can drink but keep this from the children?
Love does run deep and he should be able to accept that you both change during the marriage, but some changes are just "deal breakers" and you both need to decide if this is one of those cases.

Flowermummy
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Re: Husband doesn't want me to drink

Postby Flowermummy » Thu Jun 15, 2017 11:06 am

Just to add that I have a friend in a somewhat similar situation, the husband drinks ocassionaly, the wife doesn't approve (religious reasons too) but accepts his choice as long as he doesn't do it at home.

Good luck!

actuallyadad
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Re: Husband doesn't want me to drink

Postby actuallyadad » Thu Jun 15, 2017 3:14 pm

Jeez obviously just have a large Pimms and don't worry about it.

Sheds
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Re: Husband doesn't want me to drink

Postby Sheds » Mon Jun 19, 2017 9:12 am

Hi littlebabysmummy... I am just curious as to what has changed for you? I wonder why you now want to drink again, having not done so for 10 years, knowing that it has a meaning for your husband that you previously took note of? That may be a more helpful place to look, rather than jumping to placing the situation firmly on his shoulders? His beliefs may be (unwittingly) providing a distraction for what is really going on. No judgement, just an observation. (As an aside, no-one has a right to expect any other person to do what they want them to do, regardless of religion or anything else, including children).

My hope is that you find my response helpful, I have a lot of experience that I am drawing on and am happy to expand if you are interested in listening.

Sending love.

piper_halliwell
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Re: Husband doesn't want me to drink

Postby piper_halliwell » Mon Jun 19, 2017 11:09 pm

Hi there,

this from my perspective and you can draw whatever conclusions sound good to you from it....

I don't drink. never have, never will. For religious reasons and because alcohol is bad for me (so is sugar but I love cake and ice cream in great moderation :P :D )
Hence, I only date guys from my denomination (Christian) with the same basic beliefs and standards as mine. As I don't want to make anyone stop poisoning himself . However, the reason I do that is because if/when I get married and have kids I don't want alcohol (and other addictive substances) present in my house around my kids. This could be why your husband doesn't want you to drink again. If you do there is a choice for you kids to do it too when they become teenagers or - as I have been a witness - long before that. And if you only drink outside your home and then preach (you or your husband) to your kids that drinking is bad for you, that would be like a chain smoker punishing their kids when caught smoking... i.e. hypocritical.
That's my take on your husband's point of view... It should be up to you but whether you've changed or not during the last 10 years you initially agreed to not drink which he probably shouldn't have enforced on you. Alas, he did and you did. So, I'm guessing for your husband it might come down to wine, or marriage... And he may make you choose... He sounds like a no-negociation type of dude...
I hope that marginally helps you in your dilemma.


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