Helping au pair with grief

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Sunshine_State
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Helping au pair with grief

Postby Sunshine_State » Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:09 pm

Our au pair found out this morning that her uncle passed away suddenly and unexpectedly today. I obviously asked if she wants to go home for the funeral, but as it involves two flights, the funeral is first thing tomorrow, and she only came back to the Uk on Saturday after Xmas, she doesn't want to attempt it.

She's headed out to see her best friend, who lives some distance away, for the day, and I suggested her friend could stay here tonight, or she stays at hers, but she's insisting she just wants a few hours to chat and then wants to help with the kids as usual after school, as it will keep her mind off things to stay 'in routine'. I think the news hasn't sunk in yet and she has some tough months ahead of her as they're a close family and there were two other family deaths when she was au pairing elsewhere last year.

She spends most evenings in her room (seems to be her preference, we've always made it clear she's welcome to join us/do her own thing as she prefers, and she occasionally does come downstairs for the evening or go out to meet a friend, but more often Skypes friends/family). I was working up to suggesting she tries to go out and about a bit more anyway, but I'm now worried that spending so much time alone in one room will be really bad for her state of mind.

I can't force her to spend more time with us in the evenings or to make some more friends (she's been happy enough until now but strangely unbothered about meeting people her age), but will try to persuade her to do both. I'm not sure what else to do though - we know a good local counsellor, so was thinking of asking if she wants us to arrange a session? Any advice from someone who's been through similar would be appreciated.
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Life After London
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Re: Helping au pair with grief

Postby Life After London » Tue Jan 10, 2017 2:40 pm

just wanted to say I'm sorry for her loss and the complications of being away from home. No advice really but let me know if she needs an au pair friend as mine is always good at meeting anyone.
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stanka.saskyova
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Re: Helping au pair with grief

Postby stanka.saskyova » Tue Jan 10, 2017 9:52 pm

Everyone grieves differently and also everyone likes to do something else. I think it's awesome that you're trying to help her but just go with what she wants to do :) if she wants to hang out by herself, that's completely fine - I love spending time in my room on my own! :) give her some time, just let her know you're there for her but don't tell her what to do like go meet friends/new people or suggesting a counsellor. Give her at least couple days or a week and if she is still sad then offer to set up a session with the councellor. But really, just give her time to deal with this herself :)
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MGMidget
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Re: Helping au pair with grief

Postby MGMidget » Mon Jan 16, 2017 9:35 am

Most au pairs use skype or facetime in their room to contact family and friends back home. She may well be doing this and having long chats with her family at the moment so this may be providing the comfort she needs. However, I think your ideas for how to help her are good and it is advisable she does get out and make some friends for her own sanity. She may not feel like trying to form a new friendship when she is currently feeling down, however. The counselling idea is a good one and I think offering to pay for it for her would be nice but don't force it as she might be worried you are scrutinising her ability to do her job and the counsellor could be informing you of her state of mind! Could you also suggest she might like to join you for an outing at the weekend to cheer her up?
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