Husband has visited escort- advice please

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upsetandconfused
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Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby upsetandconfused » Sun Jun 21, 2015 7:04 pm

I have found out today (from an uber receipt of all things) that my husband has recently visited an escort. Without wanting to be too graphic, he admits he received a massage (with "happy ending") but says nothing else happened and that he's truly sorry etc etc.

I feel so shocked, hurt and upset as I never expected that my husband would cheat, let alone with a prostitute. I had thought our marriage was going well and although we have sex less often since the birth of our babies, he and I are still affectionate and intimate.

Although he insists they did not have full blown sex, why should I believe that and what on earth do I do when I also have our two children under 2 to think about? Sorry if this message is rambling but I don't feel I can tell my friends about this yet and would really appreciate some friendly advice from anyone that's been in a similar situation or who generally has any views. Genuinely can't believe this is happening.

sheenmum
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby sheenmum » Mon Jun 22, 2015 7:04 am

Oh god. I wish there was something I could say to help you make sense of this, but only time and answer from your husband can do that. The only advice I can give is that no matter how difficult, try to get to the bottom of what happened and why.
My husband had a 'thing' with a work colleague and I never found out EXACTLY what happened. He told me that it was just some flirtation and he was physically attracted to her but nothing else took place. I didn't really believe him but we moved on without really getting to the bottom of it. Three years on, I still don't trust him 100%, whenever I see him on FB, I think he's messaging her and I just imagine the worst but now it's too late to revisit it.
Get professional counselling for both of you if you feel you need it. You need to heal and I thinkin order to do that, you need to speak openly and honestly and get the answers you deserve. Wishing you all the best in the world.

Abcdefghijklmn
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Abcdefghijklmn » Mon Jun 22, 2015 7:45 am

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I had a similar experience 8 years ago and it felt like the world had been shaken and nothing was safe or to be depended on. I also felt quite upset that it was a reflection on me- as if I had been inadequate and to blame.
All I can say is, looking back, it was a painful but helpful thing to go through. I suggest what happened doesn't necessarily mean a Jeremy Kyle "it's all over" long-term response, though this was my first reaction. We saw a counsellor and it was an opportunity to look carefully at ourselves. I thought we were doing fine but we made a lot of changes for the better after counselling. We are together 8 years later, and happy.
In terms of advice- see a counsellor, also don't tell everyone you know in an outraged hurt "get them onside" kind of way. I told my sister, and though I have made my peace with my husband, even years later she still scowls at him across the Sunday lunch table!
All the very best

supergirl
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby supergirl » Mon Jun 22, 2015 8:18 am

I am so sorry this is happening to you. As the previous 2 posters have said you need to talk it through with your husband and if it is difficult you should get a counsellor to do it with you.
It will be hard but worth it at the end especially for you to know what you want for yourself and from your relationship.

It happened to me 14 years ago albeit it was not an escort but with the woman who was/is the love if his life and with my ex husband. I chose to forgive him at the time and work to move past this and rebuild. I chose to not tell anyone.
I made 2 mistakes because i was very young: the first one was not to tell anyone. I had no one with whom to cry, vent, make sense of it all. I had no idea what to do from one day to the next. I felt utterly alone in my broken world. The second mistake was to be the only one who wanted to rebuild and move on. He had already moved on but not with me.

Bottom line. My opinion is talk to your best friend whoever that is. That s also what they are for. Not in a judgmental way but in "i m a shoulder for you to cry on". And talk to your husband. You must talk about what you both want.

It will be long and hard but there s light at the end. I promise.

PM me if you need. Good luck. Sx

sj1904
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby sj1904 » Mon Jun 22, 2015 8:20 am

How utterly awful for you. Although I may get flayed alive for this (and there is a never an excuse for infidelity), I think its worth finding out the circumstances. If it was on a stag do or night out after a lot of beers and the whole group went along that is somewhat different-albeit still not right-, I think, to him going alone stone cold sober and actively seeking it out. That then gives you a baseline to work out how you feel about it and to explore with him why he did it. Although I can imagine it is hard to see any silver linings, at least there was no emotional attachment like in the previous poster's case; it was a purely physical/financial transaction. Had it been a work colleague or someone he met online I would find it immeasurably harder to forgive.

I agree about not telling friends/family though with the exception of one close ally- they will never forget it on your behalf and it will come up years later as a recrimination. Good luck!

Harbut
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Harbut » Mon Jun 22, 2015 8:39 am

There's never an excuse for a husband / partner playing away. The more you normalise it (eg "it's OK on a stag night", "s/he was working in a massage parlour so it didn't mean anything", etc) the more you encourage & indulge it to keep happening.

HypnoGab
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby HypnoGab » Mon Jun 22, 2015 8:57 am

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this awful experience
I would definitely recommend that you get some professional help and that as well as seeing a counselor with your husband that you also see someone only for yourself so that you can clear your mind as well as make a decision about what you now want and how to go about that.
All the best and thinking of you

jamminben31
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby jamminben31 » Mon Jun 22, 2015 9:53 am

Hi,

Husband, father and occasional visitor to massage parlours here.

I appreciate you feel betrayed and somewhat disgusted by your husband's behavior, I can only say that it isn't necessarily a reflection on his love for you and it's certainly nothing to worry about in terms of the children. Everyone struggles with monogamy, statistically, it seems as if its almost impossible to achieve.

The transaction would have been just that, there would be no emotional exchange, he would be on a massage table and she would gradually wind him up before engendering the happy ending. This isn't even cheating in my mind, just a physical reaction to stimulus. Sometimes the fun is in doing something new and I really don't think you should give him or yourself too much of a hard time about it. Some of these places do lady massages too, with well trained, oiled hunks offering the Tantric service to ladies too, I send my wife and she loves it. Our relationship is stronger than ever.

headshrinker
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby headshrinker » Mon Jun 22, 2015 10:31 am

So sorry to hear this, it must be really upsetting for you. With my therapist head on I can't help but wonder what is upsetting you most here. Is it the act itself or what you fear it might mean?

In terms of what he did it is on the very mild end of the spectrum of infidelity (I am not in any way condoning it, just being realistic). Assuming he is being honest about it now, he went for an anonymous experience that he would probably see in terms of a simple physical release. In his mind, he maybe didn't even see it terms of cheating.

Clearly, it has more significance for you though so you do need to discuss this. All I would say is that it doesn't necessarily indicate any alteration in his feelings for you and needn't undermine an otherwise good relationship.

Find someone you trust, talk things through and figure out if you want to move past this and what you might need from your husband in order to do that. If you want counsellor recommendations, I know quite a few in SW London so feel free to PM me.

petal
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby petal » Mon Jun 22, 2015 12:07 pm

I'm really sorry this has happened and I know what it feels to suddenly doubt everything you thought you knew.
The ONLY a thing that is slightly positive is that is was a massage and not an actual woman he is getting personal with.
It's totally wrong and when you are in a committed relationship the only person who you should get sexual with is your partner.
It's a horrible thought that he's done this.
The only thing I will say to make you feel better is that men ( yes it's wrong) sometimes do this for stress relief. Is he in a high pressures job?
Some city guys do this and unfortunately when they see their colleagues do it, they normalise it and excise their piggy actions.

You would need to find out if it's a frequent thing or a one off.
He will have to commit to stop in order for you to be able to move on.
Finally, put it to him in reverse. Would be expect another man pleasure you .. Or does he suddenly feel that his wife is just for him ?
Once you are married you don't expect your man to have a sexual encounter with another woman!
Ps, an escort is in general for sex.
I assume he went to massage place?
If he did it in a place it's less personal than if he was dealing with a woman one to one
Good luck and don't let him fob you off and not talk about it

NYE31
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby NYE31 » Mon Jun 22, 2015 12:33 pm

How awful for you, as the other posters have said, do seek counselling & do talk about it with him, although this will not be easy.

I can't condone this even if it was with mates, colleagues, on a stag do etc. It's in the same boat as "private dances" in lap dancing bars etc.

Whatever his reasons, something isn't right & you have every right to be upset.

Good luck x

p.s. From my own experience, my vile ex fiance admitted to visiting a "massage parlour" whilst on a Lions tour in Aus many years ago, he claimed he had to because everyone else was & he would have been the only one, it was within hours of landing in Aus so I was pretty pissed off to say the least. Sadly I know now that this was just one of his many lies, two timing & deceit. He went on to have an affair whilst with me (I know now that he proposed to this other older woman barely a month after I confronted & left him, she was deluded enough to marry him & have 3 children with him)

steveo
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby steveo » Mon Jun 22, 2015 12:58 pm

Hi All
I don't want to cause further upset but are you sure it was a women he was visiting?

This is not unheard of in the local area.

I hope all works out well for you

Tigermum
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Tigermum » Mon Jun 22, 2015 1:40 pm

Hi Upset,

I'm glad that there has been so much support from NV, and that you have been brave enough to post.

As already mentioned in several posts, I would agree, couples counselling if you are both ready may be helpful. Not only for yourself during this difficult time, but also to help your husband tackle any of his insecurities or challenges behind this.

Tigermum x

upsetandconfused
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby upsetandconfused » Mon Jun 22, 2015 2:04 pm

I have now managed to find out some more details, none of which make this any easier to deal with. It turns out it was an escort he visited AT HER HOME and that he received not only a massage with happy ending but bl*w job as well. Although he had been out drinking with friends earlier in the evening, he went to this place, by taxi, alone and wasn't wasted by any means. Pretty calculated if you ask me.

He maintains that this is the first time he has ever cheated and that they didnt have sex, although I dont think I can believe a word he is saying given that he has categorically lied to my face about things until he has had to come clean when I produce evidence (Uber receipt to random scuzzy area of London etc).

In a weird way, I take comfort from the fact that this seems to just be about sex as opposed to him having some emotional connection with someone else, but then think to myself why the hell would he potentially jeopardise his marriage, home and full time access to his two gorgeous babies for some stupid sexual thing?

Aside from the hurt, anger and disgust I'm feeling about the actual act, I think I'm actually more upset that the trust is now gone and that things will never really be as they were before. Prior to this happening, I (and I think lots of my friends) would have considered my husband the absolute LAST person to cheat (let alone with a prostitute) - he is literally the most kind, funny guy and up to this point has been a fantastic husband and father, which makes this bolt from the blue discovery even more difficult to deal with.

I dont think in my heart that I'll leave him for this though. I know that sounds weak in some ways, but I dont think its fair to deny our children their dad because he couldn't keep his d*ck in his pants and I do still really love him even though I have lost trust and respect.

Sorry again for the rambling (and swearing) - I am decidedly more angry today! I have just contacted a counselor though, so hopefully we can find some way through this. Thank you so much for everyone's replies - they have really helped in this truly cr*p time!

petal
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby petal » Mon Jun 22, 2015 2:27 pm

Oh please don't apologise for rambling! Do whatever you feel helps!
I'm so sorry and I'm afraid this does seem a bit worse that it was an actual escort.
From my experience, sadly, me tend to see how much they can get away with.
So the happy ending is now also a BJ.. What else ?
I don't know you or him. But my gut instinct from reading this is that it's likely that he's done more.
Please don't hyper ventilate. This is such a stressful situation... I'm speculating but also sadly drawing from past experience of being lied to.
If he is competely apologetic and wants to make
Thing right versus getting defensive and aggressive when you ask questions will be quite telling.
Your trust has been damaged and this is a BIG issue.
When it's all settled down you can look at how to get over this's
For now you will have to be a forensic and keep digging
Men are so stupid ... He might have left more trails. Don't disclose what you find out more info.
Ask him questions and see if he tells the truth or lies further.
Look at his phone ,
Bank statement... Whatever you can to see if you can see a pattern
Look at phone numbers, if unknown look them up
Try to take some see breaths and gather some strength
There is a lot of shame places in the victim of disappointment and shame that your husband did this to you
Use NV as you are if you feel you can't tell a friend who will judge you and your marriage
Hugs to you !


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