Looking for advice Post Reply

[coolmum]

A friend of mine recently died suddenly leaving behind her very young daughter and husband. We were much closer to her than her husband but although we were more on her side it would be great somehow to keep in touch with the husband and daughter to let them know that we will always be there for them. Id hate to think that they're all alone now.

It's not long after the funeral but I just wondered whether anyone could recommend anything that we could send to them both to let them know we are thinking of them and always here?

We've obviously verbally told them at the funeral but we'd like to do something else.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

[2boysmum]

Hi there,
I really feel for you as this is a devastating place to be in. The very same happened to me 7 years ago now so I have very much been there.
There's no clear cut answer to this as everyone muddles their way through this experience and relationships and situations are unique.
What I would say is that the intention behind you wanting to stay in touch and support is lovely, and not even he will know what or who he needs right now. The main thing is to keep that intention alive as the months and years pass. That's when the support and friendship really kick in.
As for specifics, It all very much depends but I think many people almost fear getting in touch/inviting to occasions/organising get togethers but actually any invite can always be prefaced with "it may be too soon but" or "really no worries if not but". People always like to be asked and thought of, just make it easy for him to say no. And then ask again later down the line.
I'm happy to chat offline as it's such a deep and complex topic and very much depends on each set of human beings and emotions and logistics at play. In the meantime I would say please look after yourself. As a friend you often don't feel you have the same right to grief as immediate family, but bereavement can rear its head in many ways, not always immediately , so go gently xxxxxx

[Denwand]

I agree with Coolmum's points.

I have personal experience of tis as my own dear Mother died when I had just turned nine.

My Father often mentioned that, at the funeral, many relatives from my mother's side, pledged their support for him and me but as the months rolled by little if any was shown despite them living relatively close by in London.

Luckily my Dad had three sisters who, despite living in Scotland, stepped in and I spent many happy weeks during the school holidays with my Aunties.

My only advice would be to organise fun weekends with the child, if only to give the husband a break. Involve yourself and volunteer to take them for days out, weekends away or even to take them with you on holiday if their are other children about.

The experience left my Dad slightly bitter about my Mother's side of the family - but looking back there were difficult circumstances. All my Uncles and Aunts on that side were a lot older with children who had long grown up and left home - so I had no cousins of my own age. my Dad's take on it were that they didn't want to be "lumped" with a young child so kept their distance.

Luckily my Scottish Aunt's made up for it but it's a shame they were not closer.

[MummyWalker]

Hi coolmum, condolences to you on the loss of your friend (and also to the other posters who have lost loved ones). I just wanted to share a couple of thoughts / suggestions...

Memories are so precious and having lost a parent as a teenager, people sharing their memories with me has always been really comforting. You could buy yourself a lovely notebook and over the next year or so, write down whenever something about your friend pops into your head. You could then reread all the notes and put them into some sort of order as a story / scrapbook for your friend's little girl (you could include photos too). If you have a network of friends who also know the lady who passed away you could encourage them to do the same and co-ordinate everything into one book

Depending on the age of the little girl and the way all the family admin was distributed before, your friend may find himself getting to grips with lots of things he didn't do much of before (helping with homework, swimming lesson bookings - random examples but I basically mean all those little tasks that often mums end up doing). You could offer to help with those sorts of things, or be a sounding board if he needs any advice in that area.

Offering to look after the little girl, either in the evening or take her out for a trip out in the day might be helpful. He might not feel like going out at the moment, or it might be the case that actually he'd really appreciate a quick change of scene (I found I was really up and down in the early days - some days you just want to be "normal" and others you want to hide in a corner) Maybe just put the offer out there on a no pressure / whenever it helps basis, although to make it easier for him to accept you could have a think about the sorts of things he might want to be doing if he did have someone to babysit (e.g. go to the gym, work Christmas party, quick trip to the pub - insert whatever based on your knowledge of him). This might be less practical if you don't live locally but perhaps you know other friends of theirs who do and you could get them on board with making similar offers.

Finally, I remember reading an article by Sheryl Sanberg about how she coped after her husband died suddenly. One thing which really stuck with me was the suggestion that you ask a bereaved person "how are you today?" rather than "how are you?" The latter can just be too overwhelming a question to try and answer.

[Zin-mum]

Those are all great suggestions.
I think it's important to maintain your social interactions. When my mum passed away, I remember holding a grudge against her friends for ceasing to invite us (to parties, dinners etc) after she died. It might be because they felt embarrassed or thought it was too soon, but I felt it was because they weren't real friends (I was a teenager)
Another suggestion is sending food. I know it is quite traditional, but I remember that at the beginning we used to receive plenty of food, but a month down the line and we didn't anymore. My dad was a terrible cook, and I tried my best but most days we ate weird, or slightly undercooked, or slightly overcooked, or downright burnt food. (Back then, we couldn't afford eating takeaways too often) And because my dad or I weren't used to cooking, we saw that as a huge task. So when we did receive food, especially after that first month, we were really grateful. And warmed up inside, knowing some people are still thinking of us. There was a friend, who I didn't know quite so well then, who kept sending food once every month or two, for several years. I hugely appreciated that (and so did my dad, who also didn't expect that). Today I still keep in touch with her, nearly two decades later.
I think it is really important to keep your support as the months pass by. That's when the usual support start to fade and the loneliness really strikes.
Sometimes, just a phone call is enough. Just knowing that people are still thinking about them months or years later, warms the heart.

[HikingGirl]

All great suggestions. My life partner died years ago, and the things I remember most are:
- regular postcards from people to say they were still thinking of me
- a friend who phoned me every single month. Initially it was a bit overkill but over time it was really, really nice
- practical support: 'I will come and clean for you for the next year, once a week'
- the people who said 'You can call anytime. Really. Even if it is in the middle of the night and you can't sleep. Just knock on my door or pick up the phone.'

When you do offer support phrase it specific 'I would like to take your daughter out' rather than 'Can I do anything?'.

Or opt for a couple of suggestions. Do leave a space for them to say no as well. The first year it was really nice for me to stay in touch with some of his friends, but actually later that sort of faded, and that was fine.

What really helped was actually when his friends kept his memory alive. After a while it seemed that if I didn't organise something on an annual date, nothing happened. His sister and best friend organised something after 5 years, and that was just so lovely. They did ask me who I would like to be there as well, which was great too!

As you are of course not his friend, be prepared to find that you may not be able to give much emotional support. But perhaps you can, so give it a go. Make sure he does take time to grieve rather than bury himself in work, make sure he has enough support around him, make sure he does keep to some sort of routine (minimum 1 daily social activity, minimum 1 thing daily to get him out of the house, get up at a reasonable time). If not he may need more help.

Then, in case you are close and know more of her friends well, you may consider organising a support network. E.g. help with cooking, cleaning, shopping, babysitting and holidays and girl-stuff like shopping for clothes, day trips, etc. Set it up for 3 months, then a year. Then ask what he likes keeping.

I am afraid I was too far away for the first year to properly thank everyone around me for their help. At the time I just let it happen. Looking back now I think I could have been much more grateful. But I am now! I will always remember those people that send cards, cleaned for me, allowed me to call in the middle of the night, or persistently kept in touch, asked 'how are you today?', wrote down their memories of my partner, or listened to an hour of me talking about how I really felt.