Daddy hater! Post Reply

[skateb]

My little girl has just turned 2 and in the last month or so has become more and more clingy towards me. I'm a SAHM and my husband works long hours so she is with me the majority of the time - I've always put her to bed, husband doing occasional weekday and weekend baths and obviously spending weekends and days off with her. She used to be more than happy to go out with him alone and they even spent a weekend together while I went away (she didn't bat an eyelid!) but in the last few weeks she has gradually descended into a daddy hater. She won't let him do anything. And I mean ANYTHING!! Mummy has to dress, change nappies, get milk, serve all food, bath, (you get the drift!), or there is total meltdown with no letup. If, God forbid, I try and go out without her there is a huge tantrum, kicking and screaming which doesn't stop until I return. She won't even entertain the idea of going for her usual walks around the common with him. She will happily play / hug / kiss him when I'm around but can also sometimes be quite mean and push him away, pull faces and refuse to say goodnight / goodbye with no obvious trigger.

Obviously it's nice for me to feel wanted but it's getting very exhausting! And my poor husband totally adores her and is starting to get really upset. We keep telling ourselves that it's a phase and it will pass but there are no signs of any end to this!! We've tried acknowledging it and reasoning as much as we can, using bribery to be nice to daddy and also totally ignoring it. But nothing seems to be working. Anyone ever experienced this on this level before? Or any ideas on how to manage it?

TIA

A tired mummy and a sad daddy x

[redfernpsychology]

Don't despair. This is a common developmental stage for many children when they are around 2 years old. Some children at age show a strong (sometimes extreme) preference for their primary attachment figure and experience anyone who appears to get in the way of this attachment (including another parent or sibling) as an extreme threat.

I would recommend the way forward is to support the relationship between your child and father through the methods of reflective parenting, which increases attunement between parents and children and strengthens family bonds. My book Reflective Parenting:A Guide to Underatanding What's Going On In Your Child's Mind, may hopefully help both you and your husband.
Dr Sheila Redfern, Consultant Clinical Psychologist

[sgmitch]

Sorry to hear this. Just curious - how does she react when you leave her with a babysitter?

[Sheds]

Just struck by the title! Very strongly worded. Not sure that 'hate' would play a part in the life of a 2 year old, but if the parents were interpreting it as such, they may well be behaving around her as if they believed those thoughts to be true…. what would you be doing/saying/ behaving like differently around her if you believed that she totally loved her daddy? Just curious...

[JulieA]

Following!
I have a similar situation with my 22mo daughter, when her father and I are both around she doesn't let him do anything, mealtimes are particularly hard, she will cry if he feeds her and insist I do it (and at this point want me to spoon feed her even though she can do it herself). It has been going on for a couple of months now and we have started taking a tougher approach, I will tell her dad is giving you dinner and then I leave the room, usually she cries a bit and then starts eating (works better at the beginning of the meal when she is still hungry!).
She is also jealous of her twin brother, if he hurts himself and I calm him down, she will hurt herself on purpose the exact same way her brother got hurt! In that case I tell her you don't need to be hurt to get a cuddle and if she continues I will play dumb and just tell her to stop hurting the wall or whatever else she is banging herself against.
Sorry for the long post, I could go on and on...

[redfernpsychology]

I would agree with Sheds comment. She doesn't hate her daddy I'm sure, but the strength of feeling from a toddler is intense, and she will be looking to keep hold of her main attachment figure in whatever way she can. If she perceives that you feel she is full of hate, she will start to feel confused by the mismatch between this interpretation of how she is feeling ('hating daddy') with how she really feels (wanting to be close to mum, and a bit anxious about losing this). I would really recommend reflecting with her on what you think might be going on in her mind, making comments rather than asking questions or passing judgement. Being curious is a very good start...'I wonder why you feel so strongly that you want mummy and not daddy?' and maybe venturing further to...'maybe you're a bit worried mummy/you can't love daddy as well as mummy'. That sort of stuff. It shows your child that you are trying to reflect on how they are feeling rather than taking a strong position against how they are feeling, which only causes emotion dysregulation. I wouldn't advise the 'being tough' approach. There's not much evidence this leads to anything other than emotionally confused/avoidant/defended children and later adults!

[victoriab]

We had this same issue although a bit younger than yours. It felt like it went on forever and it genuinely was horrible. I have no idea why it happened, there is little I can offer in resolution other than from experience it eventually stopped. Prob was worst for about 3-6months in total and gradually it changed. It was very upsetting for us both.
However we now have a laugh about it sometimes as our child now 4 is obsessed with her daddy and sometimes he moans about never getting a moments peace!!!!
All I can offer is you aren't alone and although it is awful now I am sure it will change. Just do your best to support your husband as rejection feels horrible even when you can rationalise it as being a bit silly when it's from a 2yr old and it can't be that calculating! It sure can feel that way when he loves him/her so much

[Janet14]

Hi there, I went through this with my eldest but it was me he didn't want (he couldn't get enough of his Daddy!) and as a Mum you can imagine how heart breaking it was. It went on for at least six months and I still have no idea what caused it - we both worked although I was with him more. The best solution seemed to be to not react to it and carry on as normal (much like you would do when leaving them with a nanny or someone) but that was very hard. Luckily we came out the other side and he now loves his Mummy . It will pass, good luck!