Personally, I think you should be honest about it. My husband runs his own business and it is quite small so does not have many employees. He has employed women in the past, who have started work and then said they are pregnant shortly afterward. He has then had to pay for both maternity pay and a new employee, which he could ill afford.

So morally I think it is not right to enter into a job, knowing you are pregnant and not even being sure you will continue with the job after the birth.

Hi there, OP here.

First, a few additional details and then I'll respond/comment.

I've been self employed for the last 4 years so this was not an internal move and I wouldn't be entitled to any mat leave either way.

Next, the decision. I declined the offer. The timing felt wrong to me for personal reasons - it was a HUGE job with a lot of responsibility, a commute, travel, etc. To be honest, I love my husband but he has become accustomed to a certain level of support and as much as he would say "I'll help", in the end I didn't believe that he would actually come through (no need to make me feel bad about not having a more helpful spouse) and I didn't want this to be the end of my marriage with resentment building between us.

Also, through a discernment process where I spent a lot of time thinking/praying about what I wanted and why I might be taking this role, I discovered that money isn't as big a motivator as it once was for me, and I value flexibility and time with my child even more.

Not saying I'll never return to full time work, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. So, what I've decided is that once my little one starts nursery in September that I will ramp up my business development efforts in an effort to bring in more consulting income to ease some of the financial burden for my husband and to give me something that will stimulate me mentally in the coming months before B2 arrives.

I honestly appreciated all of the comments on all sides, I found all of your sincere responses enlightening and they helped me find my own voice in the process.

Finally, it also revealed to me that no matter what, women still have so far to go in terms of equality in the workplace. Hiring managers don't look at male candidates, see a ring on their finger and wonder if they're going to run off to take paternity leave. Moreover, women are still doing the lion's share of mental work at home - kids doctors appointments, laundry, food shopping, bill paying, etc.

To the women who make this work (and possibly the teams of people and helpful spouses who support them), I salute you!

Whether you stay at home and look after little ones, or bust the glass ceiling at the office, being a Mum is hard work. Here's to all of us!

Hi Nvn Anon

Seems that there is a lot of conflicting advise being offered which can only be adding to the excessive and conflicting thinking that you already have going on. Whilst everyone is coming forth with advice, experiences, opinions and judgements from their own perspectives with love and kindness, the only one that truly knows the answer for themselves is you.

If you can set the situation aside for a while and know that once your thinking about it quietens down, you will be able to hear your answer. At the moment, all thoughts spinning around in your head involve taking heed of a future scenario that you are creating, believing in and then acting as if it is true. No-one knows what will actually happen. We are all just human beings doing the best we can with what we believe at the time. If you only take the action that sits comfortably with you, it is the only action that needs to be taken. If you try to second guess and please others that is never going to work - who are you actually going to please? (you can only achieve that by checking what it is they want of you 1st otherwise you could find that you are way off the mark anyway!) You can never please others in the way you think pleases them. Please yourself, you deserve it!

Take care x

Dear OP,

Congratulations on both the pregnancy and the new job offer!

You already got a lot of wise advice. But be aware that your experience may be very different from that of other posters.
There are a lot of unknowns which you cannot quantify in your situation, for example if your pregnancy is successful and how you feel after having #2... I know very career focused women who decided to give it up after children and equally less career focused women who have gone back to work full time after children and made it work...so it could go either way...
My advice would be to make a decision based on the information available to you now, mainly do you really want the new job or not. If you really want it then there are high chances you will make it work (with additional support from husband, nanny, staggered return to work, etc etc).

Yes, having 2 is much harder than 1. But it gets easier after 18months or so. If you don't take the new job would you be regretting it when hopefully your #2 is 18 months old and sleep depravation is a thing of the past?

Personally I wouldn't tell them about the pregnancy until after 3 months, because if it's not successful you will have to go back and explain what happened... But you could hint that you want another child or that work-life balance is important to you.

best of luck!

I know it's not *exactly* the same, but still...

Hello OP,

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy and the offer of a new role

From my own experience, knowing what I know now, I think I wouldn't take on a more senior role in a new company.

I've been back at work about 8 months now, 4 days a week (DD2 is 19 months). Honestly, it's taken me the best part of 6 months to feel that I'm mentally as sharp as I was pre-pregnancy (that said, in the past month or so I've been pre-occupied with sorting out childcare for my eldest for when she starts reception).

When I came back to work, my role was pretty much the same as before which gave me time to re-adjust back to working life. However, in the past two months it's morphed into me taking on much more responsibility, being involved in projects that are meant to result in a huge cultural change within teams and therefore having much more visibility throughout different departments. I can tell you that it's been a struggle at times - and my job doesn't involve travel, I do a strict 9-5 with a 25 min commute, my husband helps out AND I have a hugely understanding boss who will not bat an eyelid when I say I have to WFH certain days because my kids are not well. Oh, and for the first 5 months of being back at work, I was battling severe sleep deprivation as well as DD2 was teething badly and would be up every 1.5-2 hours throughout the night (and of course, only mummy will do!).

What's the work/life balance like in the new company? Should you feel like it later, would they feel happy with you doing flexi-work? What support will you have with childcare? If both you and your husband are working long hours then presumably you'll need a nanny ... and presumably you may not be there to put the kids to sleep every night. Are you OK with that?

Someone said: "I don't mean to bang the feminist drum but we have a situation where you've been offered a great job and you sound like you want the money/new role. But because of all the perceived baggage around working mums you are dealing with an extra layer of stress." I agree with this, but my reality is that when my kids are not well they really only want me, no matter how much they love daddy. Which means rightly or wrongly I'm the one with the added stress, and the one who has to be around when the kids need me, job or no job. So for me at least, being in a role that allows me to also be around when my kids need me is far more important than any career progression.

Lastly, I would not presume to tell you what to do, just that it DOES take time to get back into working life after mat leave, and you shouldn't underestimate the challenges of going back to work with two little ones. And that's to a familiar role, in a familiar environment.

Just adding some anecdotes really:
I know someone who took a job when newly pregnant and when she announced it later, rightly or wrongly it went down like a lead balloon such that she did not really want to return to the job after mat leave (although there were other factors at play in that decision though). I also know someone else at my office who told of her pregnancy at interview and they said no problem, we want you anyway - she has taken quite a short mat leave though as obvs won't be getting any mat pay and wants to establish herself in the role.

foodeditorjo wrote:Surely she should tell her employer BEFORE she has a written contract in her hands? I would think very badly of someone who deliberately withheld potentially deal-breaking info before signing a contract. Honesty and openness must be the best way forward if she's to have a good reputation with her employers...

Gentle reminder that pregnancy, as you put it, being a deal breaker is illegal...

Hello, first of all congratulations. Second, a couple of suggestions:
1. Have a quick scan of "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg and a reminder about how many / how women talk themselves out of doing things.
2. A friend of mine got offered a big job (internal move) whilst pregnant. Yes she managed a big team and her first task in her 2 months of the job was to recruit the team and set them up for the next 6 months! She took 6 months off and was happy to come back to the great job.
3. The posts about maternity pay when with a new employer... I get that a lot as I freelance. In reality few companies offer you more than 3-6 months pay. So even if you were to give that up by moving roles, if you got offered a much better position / pay, it is worth it even if you have to give that up.
4. Once you had the job and all was ok with pregnancy - all options are on the table - you could come back after 3, 6 months... or stagger your return gradually increasing your hours. It is possible - you will be shattered starting a job with a 3 month old but you will also be shattered looking after 2. Remember, women in the US take only 6 weeks off. And don't ever feel guilty about not being a good mother for not being a stay at home / part-time mum!
5. If the money is great as you say then I would budget in a lot of extra support (I am talking nanny + part time
housekeeper + cleaner) and see if it's still worth it (not just financially but in terms of your fulfilment etc). If yes then planand budget for that. If your hubby decides to give up his job you might change it, but don't try to do it all especially with 2 kids.
6. Whether to tell the employer it is up to you. You could tell them before, tell them once you had the contract, or tell them once you can't hide it any longer. If you had the contract, unlikely they would bail out on that basis as they would be afraid of you suing them.
Finally, If YOU want it, just go for it.

Agree with Abfab, you absolutely don't have a legal or moral obligation to disclose your physical status prior to receiving an offer of employment unless your role involves some sort of manual labour in which case there are accommodations that your employer would have to make to ensure that you could carry out your job effectively. One of my best friends got a great new job while she was pregnant and a colleague just left to start a new job externally for 2 just weeks before going off to have a baby (she did not get maternity pay but the company was so thrilled to have her they gave her a signing on bonus equivalent to 6 months pay) so it is heartening to hear that many companies now are being more open minded when it comes to hiring women at all stages of their lives and career development.

Are some of the earlier posters suggesting that women in their mid-30s should also be discounted from seeking new opportunities on the premise that they might be taking time off at some point in the future to have a family? I thought the readers of NappyValleyNet were more enlightened than that!

If it is something you want to do then you should give it a go. You won't know how it will work until you try. It sounds as though you have sensibly thought through the support element. Best of luck with whatever you decide and keep us posted!

First of all, congratulations on the job and the pregnancy!

I am a bit gobsmacked at the posters saying you have any moral obligation to tell your new employer about your pregnancy before you are offered or accept the job. You absolutely do not, even if you weren't worried that you may miscarry, which would be a very personal loss which you might not want to share with new colleagues.

It is morally and legally wrong for your pregnancy to be a 'deal-breaker', as one poster put it, and it is because of attitudes like this that you would be sensible not to mention it until you have accepted in writing. Do not feel guilty about this, or about being pregnant or taking maternity leave. You are not doing anything wrong, but if you spend the next year apologising, you will be reinforcing the views expressed on this thread that you are.

In terms of practicalities, whatever else you do, I would sit down and discuss the support you will need when the baby comes with your husband - this might mean your husband taking more responsibility (e.g. could he take shared parental leave if you only want a short time off?) or increased practical help at home. Whether or not you take the new role, it sounds like you already have a big job, and you will only be busier if you add the logistics of nursery plus an extra child into the mix. I have older children, and over the years I have seen this issue, and the resentment it causes, break more marriages than infidelity or money worries. Put your own oxygen mask on first and good luck!

I took a new senior level job away from home after I returned from work with my second. I thought I wanted to progress, that work defined who I was and that money was important and that by having a nanny, house keeper, odd jobs man it would all work out.

What I didn't back on was just how much more my second seemed to need me than my first and just how much more full on being a mum becomes when they start school. Suddenly there is more to do and my son suddenly started noticing when we sent the nanny along. So I quit to take up a more junior role that pays a quarter as much (and I was the higher earner too). Yes, my husband has had to change his retirement planning but it is amazing how much money you can save if you need to each month and we are far happier. Yes, less fancy holidays and more picnics than fancy restaurants but a far less stressed mother and two happier kids.

Qyite likely I will head back into the corporate world when we have secondary school fees to pay but for now we are happier. If you had told me that I would be writing this 9 months ago I would have told you that you were mad. I didn't realise how much a second child and one at school would change me and how I would feel so differently after the birth of my second.

Also, I should say that it was really hard to start a senior role straight back from mat leave as I really wanted to make a good impression and so tried extra hard. With hindsight, i wish I had stayed in my old role as I would have been able to coast a little.

Just my experience and everyone is different. I think there is no right or wrong. However, if family is important to you and they withdraw the job because you are pregnant then maybe that is a lucky escape?

"To drop you because you are pregnant is immoral." I also think it is immoral to accept a job when you have not disclosed information which is relevant - like the fact that you will be needing time off in order to have a baby! Would you be expecting potential colleagues to be covering some of your work for you?

Yes, absolutely. They want to hire you because you are talented and right for the job. To drop you because you are pregnant is immoral. If it's a medium to large business and this is a big role as you say, then they will manage without you whilst you are on maternity leave and you'll probably have to compromise, for example they might prefer you to take less mat leave (I took 6 months instead of 9 because I was in a new company- I didn't know I was pregnant when I accepted the offer but by the time I started, a month later, I found out I was - I didn't say anything until 3 months because I had a miscarriage before and had no idea if I would carry through to full term so did not see the point in bringing it up until I was almost sure I would have a baby-but I knew my boss from a previous roll which helped and I was very open and honest with him and we decided that we could both accept 6 months). You can't reject the job now based on how you will feel once you have number 2 because you don't know how you'll feel. If you love the job, you'll stay. If not, you'll go. That's it. I agree with whoever said, get the contract and then tell them or even play it by ear and tell them when you are ready. If you have a great relationship with your employer tell them sooner rather than later. If not, get to know them a bit better, knock their socks off with your work and then tell them. All this boils down to is whether you want the job. If you are just taking it because your husband wants you to, then you are not going to make it, stay where you are, where people know and like you. If you take on this new role, you are going to have to put some serious effort in, as you have to prove yourself which will be tiring with the pregnancy but if you love the job, you will do it and soon this dilemma will be in the past. The question is whether you really, really want this job. If your pregnany is justification not to take it, then you don't really want it. It's your right to get pregnant- you don't need to tell your future employer anything now! But be honest at the appropriate time. We always expect the worst from employers but they are also human and if you've worked hard, made an impact and are genuinely nice then most employers accept it and absorb it because they want you back. It's just a few months after all. I understand the point of small companies and yes if you are going to a very small company that will suffer if you go off on Mat leave, then yes, you should be honest from the start. I think if you want it, go for it and then deal with the consequences.

I wouldn't think about it from a 'what's fair' perspective. Just what is right for you.

If it's a new job within the same company I would take it without a second thought. Better job, better money, career progression etc would mean that it's right for you right now. You don't know what's round the corner so jump at every opportunity.

However, if it's a new job in new company then I wouldn't take it. That is simply because of your reduced mat leave rights and the difficulty of returning to a new company after mat leave when you hadn't been there very long.